Presidential Zombie Task Force

After meeting with Barack Obama and Milla Jovovich, we have jointly decided that the best thing to do is to create a national anti-zombie task force to plan how the world should defend itself against possible zombie attacks. Hopefully then other nations will follow the US, leading to establishment of a global anti-zombie network. Fortunately, due to my extensive connections in the military field, I suggested several individuals who I think will be perfect to lead such an initiative. Mr. Obama and Ms. Jovovich eagerly agreed with my choices. President Obama has pledged $10 billion in resources for the development of this task force, which will be lead by the following people:

Duke (Supreme Allied Commander in Charge of Anti-Zombie Operations)

First Sergeant Conrad S. Hauser (aka Duke) was born in St. Louis, and has experience with all aspects of infantry, artillery, and urban combat operations. He was at the top of his class at Ft. Benning, and joined the G.I. Joe team in 1983, He is fluent in English, French, German, and several South East Asian languages (Bunny told me that Duke knows how to say "prostitute" in at least 12 languages), which will allow him to effectively communicate with troops from all over the world. He was briefly involved in a relationship with fellow G.I. Joe member Scarlett, but since their break-up, he has "sworn off" women and dedicated his time solely to defending America with his fellow male soldiers. Duke often spends long hours behind closed doors with Man-E-Faces planning military operations until the wee hours of the morning. His dedication is exactly what is needed for this job.

Man-E-Faces (Anti-Zombie Counterstrike Force Leader)

Man-E-Faces was an actor who was captured by Skeletor and made to drink a potion that changed him into a vicious monster which attacked everyone it saw. With the help of He-Man and the Sorceress, Man-E-Faces changed back to his human self, but Skeletor asserted his dominance and turned him back into the monster. The struggle created a third persona, a super-intelligent robot which is neither good nor evil. Eventually Man-E-Faces learned to use all of his personalities for good. Human Man-E-Faces will work closely with Duke in planning anti-zombie strategy. Monster Man-E-Faces will help to guard the Anti-Zombie headquarters. We feel that Robot Man-E-Faces is the best choice for leader for the anti-zombie attack squad, as 1.) he will be immune to zombie bites because he is a robot and 2.) his super-intelligence and emotional disconnection will allow him to effectively and quickly kill all potential zombies without any hesitation. Man-E-Faces will take center patrol, because he has many faces.

Destro (Tactical Anti-Zombie Weapons Development)

James McCullen Destro XXIV, Laird of Castle Destro in the Scottish Highlands, has been developing weapons for Cobra Commander for many years. Selling arms to third world countries also allows him to maintain and run a personal private army (the Iron Grenadiers, led by former Spetsnaz agent General Mayhem). Destro’s development and military experience will be directed at creating anti-zombie weapons with a focus on quick eradication methods. In addition, his beryllium steel helmet will protect him from zombie bites.

Cobra Commander (Director of Anti-Zombie Research Operations)

Cobra Commander leads a clandestine military group that was originally bent on bringing the world to its knees. However, since the passing of Prop 8 in California, his army has been more focused on obtaining equal rights for all people. A little known aspect of Cobra Commander’s personality is his scientific ability. He has significant experience at the mad scientist level, particularly in the fields of biological and chemical weapons development, mind control, and genetic experimentation, having participated in several world domination schemes. Cobra Commander will lead the search for a cure for any Zombie outbreaks that arise, in addition to studying Zombie biology to identify any potential weak spots that can be exploited by Destro’s weapons. Past tensions between Cobra Commander and Destro (mainly over the leadership of Cobra) have eased in recent years, as the two have become quite fond of each other and are now roommates. I predict that they will have a solid working relationship.

Jerome “The Bus” Bettis (Public Relations Consultant)

Jerome Bettis is currently 5th on the National Football League’s all-time rushing list, and was selected for 6 pro bowls, all while suffering from asthma. Jerome will star in a series of TV commercials centered around the phrase “Asthma doesn't stop the Bus, and zombies don’t have to stop you!”

We ain't scared of no zombies....

Zombies

It has come to my attention that breaking scientific research (conducted in the lab of Dr. Robert J. Smith? at the University of Ottawa) has come to the conclusion that a zombie attack could be devastating to the human race. Thus, the Hollywood portrayal of the “Zombie Apocalypse” could be more realistic than previously thought. The conclusion of the study is that any Zombie outbreak must be met with a fast and effective counterstrike in order to prevent the outbreak from spreading. After reading the paper (Munz, et al., 2009, Infect. Dis. Mod. Res. Prog.), I fear that Zombies are one of the greatest threats facing the world today.

As Pandas are fierce warriors when provoked, I’m sure that any Zombie attack into Western China (particularly the Woolong area) would be swiftly repelled. However, there are not enough Pandas to completely rid the world of zombies should the human race fall, and thus a potential outbreak is of great concern to both the human and Panda communities.

I have contacted Milla Jovovich, and I would like to meet jointly with her and Barack Obama to discuss how the human and Panda races should begin to prepare for such an event.